Excerpt #1

The first time he smiled, it made my heart flutter a little bit.

I knew I caused that smile and I wanted to keep that feeling forever.

I was sitting on my bedroom floor and I knew where things were going.

I knew things where coming to an end.

I could feel it in my pulse.

It was quick.

Too quick.

In a split second, everything shattered.

My heart.

But also everything else around me.

The first time he smiled, I wanted to take a picture of it to remind me that we were truly happy once.

After all these years, things had to change as much as we did.

I was not that stupid-lovestruck-sixteen-year-old anymore.

I was a twenty year old woman with dreams and a lot of ambition.

But he smiled and once again, I was torn apart by the tornado that he was.

He was such a good one, though.

He made me feel perfect.

He made me feel as if I was worthy of love.

And I realized that I was.

But I couldn’t find myself anymore.

He defined me.

He put a sticker on me and put me in a box.

I did not know if I could be anything else than his love, his heart.

He is the first boy I have ever loved.

You can’t get rid of that.

Our love was not photographs that can be torn apart.

It was kisses and hugs and hand-holding and cups of coffee at 11pm just because we love  the taste.

It was movie nights and pop-corn and tasted like his favorite cheese-cake.

Our love was beautiful.

But beautiful hurts sometimes.

Beautiful does not make everything right.

We loved wrong.

We loved too much and held on to each other.

I call our love ephemeral.

Like my favorite word on the planet.

Our love was as lovely as a sunrise that only lasts for a moment, but takes our breath away.

Everything comes and goes.

I chose to let go.

Just because we love someone doesn’t mean that everything is perfect.

Sometimes we need to love them from a distance.

We need to let go and see where life takes us.

Our love lasted for a long time.

And it still does.

I still love him.

Because that’s what we do with first loves.

We love them forever.

I gave him the power to destroy me.

And he didn’t.

Because that is who he is.

I was sitting on my bedroom floor and I knew where things were going.

I looked at him.

He smiled and said: « Don’t worry about me. I’ll keep you right here. »

And that was it.

No Taylor Swift song can make this better.

And it doesn’t have to be.

We chose to let go.

Because sometimes, holding on hurts even more.

-Excerpt from a book I’ll never write

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